wizards and warriors

i walked into the inn. there was nobody there. i banged on the counter. nobody came. dinging the bell produced the same result. wandering upstairs, i took a look at the bedrooms. strolling around i perceived the primitiveness of the place; bare necessities, nothing more. the rooms were small, containing a bed, a chair beside it acting as both seat and night table, an ottoman in which to stuff belongings, all on a bare wood floor.

returning to the lobby, i realised that i should have to call in my pals myself. first i called chummy. 'oh, yeah?' he said as he appeared out of thin air, 'i wondered when you'd be back for me. miss me did you?' i ignored that and told him i was getting a gang together to deal with the local baddies, who were upsetting the natives and disrupting business. 'and they want a bunch of expendables to do their dirty work for them, yeah?' he snorted in derision. i didn't bother to tell him he was right.

next i called mm. we've forgotten her name, if we ever knew it. whenever anyone asks her anything she always says 'mm' and then thinks for a while before answering, if she does. she's a haughty wench, supercilious and superior, as befits the elvish folk. she didn't look to pleased to be here so i just told her hello and left her alone.

after her i called butchrett, aptly named, she's one hell of a fighter. short, squat, immensely strong and with a filthy temper. she was actually pleased to be called. she'd been getting bored down in the mines with all the other dwarves and not a decent drop of beer in sight.

when i called the gnomes they told me that sneaky git was out for the moment, probably picking somebody's lock for practise. they'd get him to call.

i turned my attention to my favourite pixie. madame is the tiniest creature next to the fairies. her diminutive size fools a lot of people into underestimating her capabilities. probably the best mage in the business, with a little help from me she can lob those destructive forces for miles.

'we need a priest,' i said, sighing, 'i know, i know, we all feel the same about clergy of whatever stripe, but we shall need a healer. the priests have skills the rest of us lack, so it's a necessary evil.' there was a long silence.

'well, well, hello there everybody, and how are we this fine day?'
'sneaky!' squealed madame, 'how unexpected. what a nice surprise. where have you been? what have you been doing?' 'ach now, hold your horses girl and let me look at you. why, aren't you as beautiful as ever?'

i could see this was going to go on for a while, so i took mm aside and asked her if she could think of any of the priests she knew who would be suitable for our band.
'mm,' she replied. i waited patiently. it's no good trying to hurry these deep thinkers. 'why don't we toodle off to the tavern while we discuss it?' suggested chummy. 'good thinking, that man,' agreed butchrett, ' i could down a few buckets no problem.'

at that moment mm came up with pete. pius pete. 'he's a bit wet. he's earnest and a bit stupid, but he's big and strong. the best thing about him is that he'll do as he's told and he's crap at preaching. so he won't be insisting we say our prayers all the time, though he might get a bit umpty if we don't make regular donations to the temple.'

there was a long pause as we all digested this.

'tell you what,' i suggested, ' why don't i call him up, we'll take a look at him and if we don't like him, we can throw him back.' that was agreeable so i called him. a cheerful voice at the seminary asked me to hold on while a runner was sent to fetch him. he was a bit breathless when he arrived. ' i ran all the way,' he said, 'it sounded urgent.' well, no. not really. he would get here as soon as may be.

we warily assessed him. tall. next to mm the tallest among us. big too. mm was right about that. she hadn't mentioned how broad he was. chummy reiterated his desire for a brew and we all repaired to the tavern across the road from the inn.

that was our intention. as we left the inn, our ears were assaulted by this guy who harangued us. 'something has happened,' he intoned, 'something evil...' this prating went on for some time while we listened with one ear, anxious to neck some beer before closing time. he told us he was gareth, accenting the second syllable, and banged on about a dream he'd had about a crow 'sat perched atop a tombstone' and a sword, mavin it sounded like. anyway, as soon as he was done, we dived into the pub and got some jars in. pete sat quiet and thoughtful as he digested what he, alone among us, had listened to with both ears and rapt attention.

as befits a small village, galliwag's is a tinpot dive. galliwag is a surly sod, but the brew is ok. we all got a good soaking and went back to the inn to rest up and discuss strategy. i gave them an overview of what i knew about the gael serran and the dangers they would be facing, and, before they could wail in dismay and quit forthwith, i explained that i'd learned a few wrinkles since pathfinders and their scary experiences.

'what you do first is nip out of town and establish your presence. as soon as that's done, you come back here to train and rest while i do a bit of paperwork. when i've finished that, i'll come back to you and by then you will have plenty of dosh, membership of all the guilds, and enough skill to take on whatever opposition is out there without being beaten into the ground.'

'and how are you going to do that then?' asked sneaky, with some scepticism evident in his question. 'my secret,' i told him 'so oppit.'

they made their way out through the gate, somewhat hesitantly. once out there, i performed a little magic of my own and made a save, which i later copied to archive, should we ever want to return to start.

back through the gate into town (bit pretentious calling this dump valeia a town) and removed them all from the playing frame. 'see you all later,' i said as i quit the town and then the game.

now for the paperwork. first copy to archive. then call up wwedit.exe and change the parameters. i gave them all a hefty 5000 hit points, immediately making pius pete somewhat redundant. they all became level 7 in all the guilds, so that they could buy the goodies they would need, although they would have to wait until they got to ishad n'ha for the best darts. i made sure they had the maximum amount of money allowed and many skills that could be edited out when they were no longer needed.

it was essential that they have a decent level at throwing, swordplay, bow and agility. i gave them a high level of kung fu as they would not be buying any of the shitty gear smitty at the armoury was willing to sell, apart from some warm winter wollies and the cheapest boots. they must have some incentive and they would find the gael serran littered with useful stuff after a few encounters with the local hoods. they also got a high level of forge skill as they would have to mend much of the junk they picked up.

the paperwork done, i called up the game and went into the inn. 'hiya, we all ready for the great adventure?' i asked. 'first tell us how we stand,' demanded madame, 'we are not going out of that door until we can be sure we are strong enough.' 'fair enough,' i agreed and gave them a run-down of the skills and attributes they had, how much money and their guild membership status. 'right, let's be off.' i announced.

'just one moment, if you please,' said madame, 'we must undertake some of the quests for the guilds.' i looked at her in some surprise. 'why?' i asked, 'you don't need to. you can get anything you want from them.' 'we must earn some of the merit we have,' she replied, 'it would not be honourable just to take it all and give nothing in return.'

'mm,' said mm, so we all waited for a pronouncement. 'madame is right, you know. if we are to consider ourselves better than the riffraff, we have to be better. yes, we must do some of the quests.' pius pete had to chip in then, although he had the decency to be hesitant about it. 'our hearts must be pure,' he said. 'sod off,' said chummy, whose heart is purer than most, but without him realising it.

i sighed. they had no idea what a boring performance getting the quest could be. the quests themselves are often interesting and fun, but some of those guildmasters are longwinded old gasbags. ho hum.

so i trotted them around, first to the bank where sir edgar was pleased to receive deposits of half the money they had and made two job offers. we took the bounty as that offered a potential of continued income. lord barrenhawkes' letter could wait. onabe, guild master at the temple asked us to deliver a potion to someone called mekdawa and roendalf, the wizard guild master, wanted us to go to the crypt and find out about some old priest called scabban. smitty, guild master of the armoury, told us that a ne're do well called mon the sculz had stolen a helmet from him and would we punish him, but good? glad to.

while at the various guilds we availed ourselves of useful items, such as great heal (you won't need it with all those hit points), cure poison (you will need that), clothes and boots.

'where to first?' asked butchrett.
'crypt,' i answered cryptically.
underground again,' she sighed, 'life's a toughie. do we go now?'
'nah. sort gear, get fed, have a good kip and we'll set off early in the morning.' naturally butchrett and chummy took off for the tavern, joined, to everyone's surprise, by pius pete.

next stop: the crypt.